Dear Brittany
by BrittanaJoriCade
Summary: 'I had a dream today, I saw your face. God Brittany, I'm beginning to forget what you look like. Sure, I can look at pictures, but pictures don't move, or laugh, or blink. They're just captured memories. But my memories are beginning to fade.' Ninety Nine Days. Ninety Nine Days Santana Lived without Her. Ninety Nine Days Brittany Waited.


**Yes. Im Back. Now if you're reading this story, This isn't actually mine. I Just Changed it to Brittana.I Changed Words, and added Parts to it too. This Story was Originally a Larry Story. Liam is Brittany's Brother and Joanne is Her Mother incase you Wonder when you read it. Also Cato and Santiago are Santana's Brothers(They are Twins) and David is her Step Father.:3**

Dear Brittany

You've been gone for two weeks now. If you hadn't of Done it you would have been Living with us for nine weeks exactly today. I Know we hadn't told everyone that we were Dating again.

You told me you wanted to. But I wanted to Wait. Why Didn't I Just Listen to you? I haven't been coping well. Kurt and Rachel have even sent me to a therapist to help me forget. But I can't forget. You're all I ever think about. Your head of Beautiful Blonde hair, the way your smile lights up a room, your Blue eyes that I love so much. You're impossible to forget. I don't want to forget.

Of course Everyone is worried about me. I'm even worried about me. My therapist is worried as well, and that's why he has handed me this journal, so I can write down my innermost thoughts. I'm supposed to give it to him every week to read over, and I just feel so weird giving it to him. Most of my thoughts revolve around you, so I guess that's why he wants to read it over, to make sure I'm handling everything well.

But to be honest I'm not, and yes I'm fairly aware he will read this. But the truth has got to come out sooner or later, yeah? She never specifically told me what to write, but just that I have to write. So I'm writing to you. I hope you don't mind. I want you to know how I've coped with the whole thing.

I'm going to tell you how it's been without you here with me. How I feel all day every day will be written down in here. Starting from day one, aka, the day you left this world.

Day One:

I woke up like I did every morning, expecting to find you curled up by my side. But when I turned over, the bed was empty, and you were nowhere to be spotted. At first I brushed it off, telling myself that you were just cooking breakfast or showering. But the lack of noise throughout the apartment should have deterred me, and I apologize that I didn't pay any mind to it. I should have known. I should have stopped you.

When I finally rose from bed, the silence in the house unnerved me, and that's when the nerves began to kick in. I felt light-headed walking through the flat in my search for you, my knees growing weaker with every step I took.

I guess you could say I finally fell to my knees the moment I found you. I cried. A lot actually. My eyes stung with poisonous tears and my heart pumped with venom at the sight of you. But I don't blame you, I never have. I blame myself.

I will never be able to un-live that day, or erase the image of your cold unmoving body lying still on the floor. It haunts me every day, and every night.

I did the only thing I knew how to do, and I called the ambulance. They were in the flat within minutes, carrying you away from me. I was unable to move. Kurt and Rachel Told me that I Had to be there for You. That I cant Just Cry like this. It was Kurt who drove us behind the ambulance, while I silently cried to myself in the back seat.

I didn't want to believe it.

Day Two:

Your family was there. We were all there. I hugged your mother, trying to comfort her while she cried her eyes out, all the while trying to contain my own tears. Quinn,Rachel,Puck and Kurt took care of Your Brother

who began screaming and thrashing, refusing to believe that his sister had left Him.

Tears were flying all over the place, and it became hard to defer whose tears belong to whom, but it didn't really matter.

We all watched from the sidelines as you were removed from your bed, and carried away on a long stretcher, a thin white sheet covering you, so I was unable to see your face one last time.

I refused to believe you were gone. I still refuse.

You're coming back, aren't you? I hope you do. Everybody's pretty fucked up about it. I miss the way things used to be, you know? Now anyone hardly ever smiles. I miss your smile.

Day Three:

Silent. That's the only word I can use to describe that day. In fact, any day beyond the second has just fallen silent. There were no words to say then, and there still isn't any.

I Sat Quietly on Quinn's couch, unmoving and not saying any words. I had nothing to say. No one did. All of us(Quinn,Rachel,Kurt,Blaine,Finn,Sam,Ryder,Marley, Jake,Mercedes,Artie,Kitty,Mr Shue, ,Me.)

So that day was wasted on our own pitiful thoughts, and wondering what we would do now that you were gone.

Day Four:

I found your note that day. The familiar sight of your handwriting drove me to tears. I couldn't find myself to share it with anyone.

I Don't Get it Britt. The Day before it happened you were Fine, Happy. I Just don't get it. I don't get anything anymore.

Our Old Fellow Cheerios miss you.

I'm back in Lima and I've Seen most of them. They Come and Hug me, Crying their eyes out, apologizing for my loss. They say that you were amazing, and an amazing person. That you didn't deserve to go so young. I agree with them.

Why did you leave? Well, I know why. But I just can't wrap my head around it.

I ended up showing your mother the note. I know you meant it to reach my eyes, and my eyes only, but I felt she had a right to know. She cried, cried a lot. I feel as though I'm the one to blame for all of this, and the weight on my shoulders just keeps growing.

Day Five:

We finally began arranging your funeral that day. I don't know if it was a bit too early to arrange or a bit too late, but all I know is that nobody wanted to do it. Nobody wanted to accept the fact that you were really gone.

Day Six:

I showed Puck,Rachel,Kurt,Finn and Quinn.

the note that day. Well, I didn't exactly show them. I left it on the kitchen counter where we had all decided to live for a little while and Quinn came across it. She walked in the living room with tears streaming down her face and began to shout at me.

She Yelled at me for not telling them. She yelled at me for being selfish. And she blamed it all on me.

Puck and Finn tried to calm her down, but I didn't blame her for being angry. I was angry at myself iswell.

Day Seven:

A week without you in my life, feels like an eternity, and I spent the entire day watching old National Videos and Fondue for Two's, Pretending you were there with me, Laughing along.

Day Eight-Twelve:

I decided to write these days into one big entry because well, not much happened in those days. Quinn still refused to speak to me and I didn't blame her. Puck,Finn,Rachel and Kurt tried their best to talk to me, but I had become distant. I spoke to no one, except for you of course. But you weren't really there and that began to worry them all.

Quinn still refused to speak to me, and I didn't blame her. Rachel and Kurt tried their best to talk to me, but I had become distant. I spoke to no one, except for you of course. But you weren't really there, and that began to worry them.

Day Thirteen:

I probably should have said in the last entry that by day nine we had finished arranging your funeral. Four days later and there I was, standing cloaked in black over a deep hole in the ground, where you would be forced to remain underneath for eternity.

It wasn't open casket. We all knew how much you loathed other people seeing you when you weren't decent. Everyone agreed that it was probably best, and to be honest, I didn't want to look at your face knowing your eyes would no longer flutter open, and I would no longer be able to look into your green orbs.

I cried again that day. Heck, I cried every day since the day you left. But that day was much worse. When they were placing you inside the hole, I almost ran over to stop them and it took Puck, Quinn and Finn to hold me back. I had dropped to my knees crying my eyes out. I wasn't able to stand strong at your funeral, and I am so sorry.

You must be disappointed in me. I know you've always thought of me as strong. But that's only when I'm with you. Now that you're gone, I don't know what to do with myself.

It was a long service, and I embraced every single member of your family, apologizing and muttering incoherent words throughout all of my blubbering.

Liam and Your mother Held me the Longest and we sobbed into each others shoulders. I Pulled away from Liam and stared at him for a long while. I Told him that the two of you looked a lot alike. He's so handsome Brittany and I promise to take care of him.

I promise to take care of your mother too. She had always been like a second mother to me anyways. When I hugged her, he whispered something in my ear that I will never forget, and I really hope she wasn't lying to me.

"She Loved You More than Me, You Know." She whispered, and pulled back with a small smile on her face, Chuckling walked away before I had a chance to reply, leaving me speechless, before I broke down sobbing again. Puck had to carry me out to the car, and I resisted. I didn't want to leave you.

Day Fourteen:

I Moved Back with Kurt and Rachel today. The Apartment brings back memories Britt. It Hurts.

I'd just like to say that I wasn't willing to go to therapy. But they all insisted that I go. I went, but I didn't like it. The therapist poked and prodded me for information, asking me about how I felt and what my thoughts were. I didn't like the invasion of privacy. My thoughts were meant to stay hidden, not to end up in here.

But now here I am, writing to you.

I can sometimes feel you, you know. It's like you're watching me. Instead of being scary, like I imagined it would be, it's actually quite comforting.

Day Fifteen:

And now here I am, present day. Today, I feel… empty. But I guess that's just what comes with losing the person you love, right?

Justin read over my journal last night-did I forget to tell you my therapists name is Justin? Oh well, it is.

He seemed disappointed in me, but I couldn't find myself to care. He told me to stop writing these entries, but I told him that it was actually helping me. In a way it is. I feel as if you're here with me, reading everything I jot down on this page.

Right then, back to today. I didn't do much to be quite honest. Mercedes and Tina came over, and we all

Watched a couple movies to try and return back to the old days. Puck called me just to check up. Still no word from Quinn though and im starting to worry our friendship will never patch up.

Day Sixteen:

People around New York are Saying that You Killed yourself because I made you do it. I Drove you To Soon as I Heard The rumours I Flipped. I went absolutely crazy. Kurt and Rachel took ages to calm me down but I eventually did so, falling on the couch in a fit of tears.

I Know its my fault Britt. And im Sorry. If I could just turn back time and listen to you, I would.

I Know that you would probably want me to move on,to achieve what I wanted to do in life, continue with my Career. But its just so HARD.

Why can't you just come back?

Day Seventeen-Twenty:

I'm sorry I forgot to write an entry the past few days. To be honest, I haven't even left my bed. I'm just so TIRED. I guess you would understand, since you're asleep for an eternity now. Was that rude to say? I don't know. I don't know what happens after you pass, but some have said it's just a world of black you're surrounded in. God, I sure hope you're not sitting in blackness Brittany,you deserve to sing with the angels.

I bet you'd sound pretty good harmonizing with them, I've always thought you had a voice like the angels. Maybe you could be my guardian angel and sing me to sleep sometime, okay?

Anyways, back to the previous days. As I said, I've just been so tired. I haven't left my bed. All I have to accompany me is my laptop, which I don't mind. There are tons to do online. But I try my best to avoid any New York Gossip or news sites. I'm just not ready to face the real world quite yet.

Finn has stopped by quite a bit. I think he's the most worried about me out of everyone. I used to be the one who always made Snarky remarks and told people what I really thought of them. Now that I'm no longer that person, Finn tries to be there. He tries to make me smile, and I appreciate the effort.

I just don't know if I'll ever be able to smile again.

Day Twenty-One & Twenty-Two:

Sam stayed over the past two nights.

He's sleeping on the couch next to me now. It feels good to have somebody staying In the Flat with me that actually knew what it was Like to be with you. I Might ask him to Stay more often. If that's okay with you?

I just don't want to feel alone anymore.

Quinn finally called me today. She apologized for blowing up on me. I was just glad to finally hear her voice directed towards me. Of course after she had finished apologizing, I said my Sorry for Hiding the Note. She Stated that she totally understood my reasoning behind it. I think we may finally be heading towards getting our friendship back on track.

Day Twenty-Three:

Therapy is absolute torture. I'm not getting any better. Justin keeps telling me to give it up, and stop writing these entries because they're not helping me. But I can't stop. If I stop, I'll feel as if I'm betraying you.

I can't let you down again.

Day Twenty-Four:

Justin asked me about the note today. I don't know why he's kept quiet for so long. When he asked I just couldn't hold in the tears but I reluctantly handed him a crumpled up piece of paper. Is it weird that I carry it around with me? Its like a fire burning a hole in my pocket,reminding me of the pain everywhere I go, but I just cant let it go. Its one of the Last remaining things I have of you.

Day Twenty-Five:

It's been a while since I sang. But I sang today. We all did. We Sang a Song we all sang In New York One year,The One I wrote. About us. _Light up the World._

It all sounds so different without your angel like voice mixed in with all of ours. We Changed the Song a Little. We Had To. Tina Took Your Parts. But it Just didn't feel right Britt. After we Had Finished I Collapsed back down in my Chair and Cried.

Day Twenty-Six:

I visited Ohio today. I walked the streets for a long while, just inhaling the places you once walked into my senses, imagining that you were there with me, holding my hand.

After roaming the city like we always used to at weekends I reluctantly agreed with myself to visit your old home. When I arrived at the door, Joanne welcomed me in with wide open arms, along with Liam who I struggled to pry off of me. I swear your brother has the upper body strength of a chimp.

We talked over tea, and I asked them all how they were doing. They're holding up the best they can Brittany,but it's hard for all of us. Don't feel guilty though, they'll pull through. It's just me that I'm not so sure about. I'm the one who should be feeling guilty, and when I told them this, they refused to listen to me speak like that and that if I were going to put all of the blame on myself than I should leave.

I walked right out the door.

I don't think They had expected me to leave, because I heard Joanne calling my name through the front door, but I ignored her as I raced to my car.

I was crying so hard that I had to pull over on the highway, receiving blaring horns and cold stares as people passed by. But I didn't see or hear any of it. All I could see was you. I could hear your voice talking to me, and that was enough to calm me down so I could drive the rest of the way home.

Day Twenty-Seven:

Today I spent the entire day in bed. I ignored every call and every text. Puck, Quinn and Finn all came by at one point, pounding on my bedroom door along with Kurt and Rachel, telling me to open up and just talk to them. I began to feel guilty once again, putting them through so much pain. I just wish that the pain would stop.

Day Twenty-Eight:

When I emerged from my room this morning, I found Kurt sleeping beside my doorway. He looked so tired and hopeless that I began to cry. I had done that to him. I had sucked the life from every single one of them. All because I was being selfish.

My crying then woke him up, and he gathered me into his arms. Kurt gives great hugs, as you know, so I clutched onto him for a long time, not once hearing a complaint from him, or feeling him pull away. He cried along with me, and at that moment I felt closer to Kurt than I ever had. I regret Saying all those things to him that I had said before.

Day Twenty-Nine:

Tomorrow will be a whole month. An entire month since you've been gone and I find it hard to wrap my head around. It feels as though it was just yesterday you were full of life and laughing so hard you did that silly little clapping thing with your hands.

This is real, isn't it?

Day Thirty:

Today Quinn,Rachel,Kurt and I spent a day of silence in your honour, refusing to answer any calls or text, or even just talk to each other. Puck and Finn were Off Somewhere, doing I don't know what exactly so they Didn't Join us. It was pure silence. It wasn't an uncomfortable one though; it actually felt a little nice. We lounged around Kurt and Rachel and Yours and Mines apartment today, putting in your favorite movies to watch throughout the day. We all sat huddled together, grasping onto each other as we cried our eyes out. Sniffles echoed throughout the room and tissues were crumpled into piles surrounding us. We were a sorry sight to see.

But needless to say, that was the closest I had felt with them in a while.

Day Thirty-One:

I guess that up until now, I have had this thought in my mind that you were coming back, and that this was all one huge terrible nightmare I was having. I could wake up at any moment and you would be lying next to me, smiling like you did every morning.

But I'm starting to realize that you're not going to come back.

Today I didn't even know what to do with myself. I think they all knew that I would want to be alone, so I wasn't bothered with texts or phone calls, and nobody stopped by our flat to see if I was alright. I appreciated it, though it's probably because they were mourning on their own as well.

I spent the entire day sitting in your favourite chair, staring blankly at the television as I drank the pain away. Three or maybe four beers max, and I was dropped on the floor and crying my eyes out. The pain of reality just sort of… hit me. Rachel came back to the apartment a few hours later and Rushed to my side, Immediately Dragging me off of the floor and Tucking me in bed. She Stroked my hair and Told me that everything would be okay, even though I knew that nothing would.

Day Thirty-Two:

I felt the rush today. It felt nice, and I watched in awe as the blood oozed out of my hand, the glass shards of the bedroom mirror shattered at my toes. I don't know what had snapped in me, but I just couldn't bear to look at my reflection any longer. So I punched it, harder than I have ever punched anything in my life.

The pains of the cuts were only temporary, and I soon felt a wave of ecstasy come over me. I liked the feel of controlling my own pain, instead of it being planted on me for once.

I was in the middle of dabbing the cuts clean when Rachel walked in, saying she had heard a crash when suddenly she stopped, and stared at my hand. She stared at my hand and then turned her gaze to the shattered mirror and then my face. I think it came off as a bit odd that I was smiling, but she immediately dragged me out of the bedroom, forcing me into her car and driving me off to the hospital.

Day Thirty-Three:

There's a bandage around my hand now, and I don't like it. I want to be able to see the scars, and trace my fingers along the creases I had made. To me they are beautiful, a wonderful symbol of my struggle of moving on from the past. But they just don't understand.

They've been watching me nonstop, not allowing me to do anything myself or go anywhere myself. I'm becoming suffocated.

Day Thirty-Four:

I'm so hungry, but I can't bear the thought of food. They try to make me eat, but it just won't stay down. I've lost weight. A lot of it. Everyone's noticed, and it's hard to hide.

I also fainted today I the living room and now people are becoming a bit worried. I'm fine though. I really truly am fine. I'm just not hungry.

Day Thirty-Five:

Rachel and Kurt haven't allowed me to leave their sight within the last twenty-four hours, making sure I eat everything that's on my plate and keep it down. It hurts my stomach and I don't know how much longer I can take the pure torture of eating food. It tastes so bland and though my stomach rumbles for more I just can't bear more than a mouthful. I don't know why they care so much.

Day Thirty-Six:

I'm not allowed to leave the apartment now, until I gain more weight. Rachel and Kurt began to Worry more about me, Saying im almost anorexic. Quinn said the same. I Just sat there, Hugging my legs to my chest, Staring straight ahead as they all nagged at me.

They all keep apologizing to me, saying that they should have paid more attention to my state the first month, and should have been there for me in my time of need. I told them I understood though, because they had to grieve as well.

I don't need any babysitters. But it looks like I'm stuck with them. For now, at least.

Day Thirty-Seven:

The itch to relieve my pain is growing stronger now than ever. The involuntary twitch in my hand to punch something made of glass is almost constant.

It's impossible to give in to the craving though, when you have two, Sometimes three when Quinn comes over, pairs of eyes watching you at all times. None of them have left the apartment for two days, and I have a feeling they're not going to leave me alone anytime soon. We all Miss you Brittany. But I Miss you the most. Its so Hard.

Day Thirty-Eight:

Kurt,Rachel,Quinn and Puck are forcing me to return back to therapy since they found out that I had been skipping sessions and ignoring Justin's calls. They say that it's the best thing for me, and that I need help.

So here I am, writing this in the all too crowded office with Justin staring intently at me. I can feel his eyes boring into me, and I'm almost afraid to look up.

He has been scolding me for the past hour, and when He finally stopped she told me to write, since I was refusing to stop. He thinks that writing these are bad for my health, because if I talk to you when you're not really here, there's no point in healing, He says.

But I don't want to leave you behind. I just can't do that. I love you, and I always will.

Nobody understands.

Day Thirty-Nine & Forty:

Justin took my journal last night, so I wasn't able to write down the day's events before she grabbed it. But yesterday was pretty uneventful. I spent the day with Quinn and Puck while Rachel went to Visit Finn and Kurt went to audition for some stupid Musical on Broadway. I Think it was To Distract himself from everything that's happened lately. Maybe that was For Best. The three of us pretty much just chilled, and spent the whole day in silence.

They suggested going to the park, but aside from being forced to go to therapy, I just don't think I can leave the house yet.

Today Kurt found my journal, and when he asked what it was I simply snatched it out from his hands and hollered at him to leave it be. I know I should have been gentler… we're all still in a pretty fragile state. I should have known that I had gone too far when he left the flat in floods of tears, and Quinn arrived minutes later, only to scold me on my behaviour.

"You need to grow up Santan, and move on from the past. We're all torn up about it, but you don't have to take your pain or frustration out on everyone else! You need help, San, and we're trying to help you. But you won't let us. You need to Let go. Brittany's Gone." With that I had slammed the door in her face,because I was through listening to her lecture me on how to live my life.

I'll let go when I'm ready.

Day Forty-One:

Quinn has Started to not talk to me again and I'm starting to lose interest in being friends with anyone. People only like to hurt us, like I hurt you.

Day Forty-Two & Forty-Three:

I woke up with a headache yesterday morning, and I figure that I had just drunken too much the night before. I can't remember a thing of what I did. When I left my room I found Rachel reading the newspaper silently on the couch. When she heard I was awake, she looked up and smiled softly towards me, patting the spot beside her, beckoning me to come over.

I stayed put where I was, and she only sighed heavily before speaking.

"How are you feeling?" She asked.

I don't know if it was the hangover talking, or if I just had forgotten. But like I said, it still feels so unreal to me. But I regret what I said next.

"Where's Brittany?"

The tears then came flowing through Rachel's eyes, and she sat on our couch crying her eyes out. I was going to ask her what was wrong, when it suddenly hit me. You were gone. I know that I've said it plenty of times before, but I had never believed it until now.

You're really gone.

I then felt myself drop to the floor, all control in my body vanishing as I blacked out completely.

Now here I am, sitting in a hospital bed with wires attached inside me, pumping chemicals into my bloodstream as if I actually needed them. It's not like I'm sick or anything, yet everyone keeps looking at me as if I am, and that at any moment I could break.

Day Forty-Four:

I saw my mother today, for the first time in a long time. I hadn't contacted her since the funeral, and she had been so worried about me. I woke up to her crying with her hand to her mouth, as she overlooked my frail, thinning body.

I told her not to cry, and that I was just fine, which only made her cry harder. The doctors pushed her out of the room before she could reply, stating that I needed to rest.

No. I just need you back here with me.

Day Forty-Five:

I had a dream today, I saw your face. God Brittany, I'm beginning to forget what you look like. Sure, I can look at pictures, but pictures don't move, or laugh, or blink. They're just captured memories. But my memories are beginning to fade. It may just be the chemicals pouring through my bloodstream from the various wires attached to me, but they're just beginning to fade.

I can't lose the remaining fragments I have of you.

When I awoke, I found Quinn sitting beside my bed, tears falling down her cheeks as she spoke softly to me. She hadn't even realized I woke, and kept on speaking. I couldn't hear him, but it didn't matter.

Day Forty-Six:

I'm trying to keep my calm, I really am. This hospital is driving me crazy, yet they won't let me leave. I keep insisting that I'm better, but they only reply that I'm way underweight and under too much stress. Being locked inside this room is stressing me out; I had never been as stressed as I am right now.

I'm just bored.

Will you please sing to me?

Day Forty-Seven:

Rachel and Quinn suggested that I take a month long hiatus, and spend that time with my family and healing, Back in Lima. But what they don't understand is that these wounds will never heal. It's not that I don't want to see my family, I miss them like crazy.

I just can't leave The flat Britt, I just can't. I can't let them touch Your room. I'm afraid that if I leave, they'll remove every remnant of you, so when I return there is nothing left of you for me to have.

Day Forty-Eight:

So I reluctantly agreed to go along with the hiatus, after an hour of my mom sobbing to me, saying how much she missed me and wanted me home with her. They think it's the best thing for me, to get away for a while.

So this is where I find myself, writing this entry while sitting next to an empty suitcase. Maybe I should bring your favourite Teddy bear along with me, so I can fall asleep with you inside my arms-or, at least something that reminds me of you.

I hope you don't mind if I borrow it.

Day Forty-Nine:

The train station is crowded and the noise keeps banging through my ears. People keep pushing me as Rachel guides me along through the mass of people.

I'm wearing your old beanie, along with your old worn out sweats that you used to waltz around the flat in every morning. I'm tiny within the large sweatshirt that is engulfing my upper body, but I don't care what I look like.

I'm leaving the flat-Rachel and Kurt's flat-our flat. Our flat where we had made so many fond memories, ones that I'm beginning to forget with each passing day without you here with me. We could have made more, had you stayed longer.

And as I step onto the train, waving my final goodbyes to the city I have come to love, a single tear slips from my eye.

Day Fifty:

After a short train ride home yesterday, and the unpacking of my things, I have finally settled into my old child-like bedroom. My mami hasn't let me out of her sight, and I'm beginning to feel as suffocated as I was with the others crowding my space.

I love my mom, I really do, but I just need to be alone.

The boys are glad to have me back, and they woke me up this morning by piling on top of me and tickling me awake. It was the first time I had laughed in a while.

This might be good for me.

Day Fifty-One - Day Seventy:

Yes, I know this is a lot of days to squeeze into one tiny entry… but I don't want to bore you with every single day I spent mucking around with my little brothers and my mother and stepfather.

Because really, each day was basically spent in the same way.

I would wake up to Santiago or Cato pulling at every strand of my hair, giggling at me to wake up, and that breakfast was ready. Politely, I always declined, causing them to slip away in disappointment. Sleep would capture me for only a little while longer, before mother would burst into my room, a plate full of food in her hands. She would sit at the edge of my bed until I finally scarfed every last bit of food from the plate, and she would quietly leave the room with a smile on her face. I guess it felt good making her smile, but after every meal I ate I felt sluggish, and that only made me want to sleep more. Of course, that wasn't allowed, and by eleven o'clock I was always dragged away from the comfort of my sheets out to the park or the store or some other place the boys wanted to go. They would play and chatter gleefully as I walked solemnly along them, wondering what I would be doing if you were walking beside me, holding my hand and taking me from my misery. It's not that I don't like taking care of the boys,it's just that after a while-and you know this-they become quite a handful.

My family misses you too, you know. There have been some-very few, but some-discussions about you. Mom won't talk about you for more than a couple minutes though, as she thinks that talking about you will only hurt and upset me. But to be honest, I feel a weight lifted off of my shoulders whenever I speak your name. Yet at the same time, it hurts. I don't know quite how to explain it, that's just the way it is.

David came up to me one day, asking how I was feeling. I told him I was well like I did to everyone else, but for some reason he didn't seem to go along with my façade as everyone else did. We sat for a while, just talking about anything and everything until he made sure I was feeling better again. And to be honest, for a little while I did begin to feel better. But of course, good feelings never seem to last. Especially when you have a nest of guilt tucked away into your heart.

The boys have noticed the change in me, and I feel horrible. I'm hurting everyone around me and I hate it. When they notice my sour mood, at first they had tried to make me smile and laugh, but now they just walk away slowly, as if they're unsure of how to even handle me anymore. I guess I don't blame them… I don't even know how to handle myself.

I gained weight and am finally healthy again, and everyone's happy about that. But I still feel empty inside. The weight gain has only added to the weight set on my shoulders.

I don't know if this is telling you much of how those days went, but like I said, they were quite uneventful. The pain had subsided for a couple days, only to return once again.

Needless to say, it didn't help as much as everyone thought it would.

Day Seventy-One:

I'm on the Plane back to New York now, and let me just say that I'm nervous. More nervous than I ever have been. More nervous than I was before our first performance at Sectionals where you whispered encouraging words into my ear before we went on up to stage. You smiled at me reassuringly before the song started, and after that I felt as if I were soaring.

It's sad to think that I'll never be able to perform with you again, or snuggle up close with you in the middle of the night when I can't sleep, or come to you when I just need a hug. I'm scared to return to the flat.

What if they've changed it?

-

I'm home now, sitting in your room actually. It's left exactly the way it was. I am so relieved right now I can't even explain it.

I'm just glad I won't have to sleep without a bit of you here with me.

Rachel came in and Asked me if I was okay. I Just blankly said that I was fine and hurried past her, heading to my-Our room.

Day Seventy-Two:

Quinn, Puck,Finn,Mercedes and Tina came over today. It was the first time seeing them in basically a month. They must have expected more… maybe a Snappier version of myself-like I was before. Well, newsflash for them, I will never be that Santana again. Not Unless You're here. I know that for a fact now.

You took a chunk of me with you, Brittany. I'm only a part of what I was before. Now I'm broken, torn apart inside.

Puck, Finn, Mercedes and Tina hugged me tightly for a while, crying tears of happiness and relief to see that I had gained weight. They claim to be happy that I was back, but I don't think they were. I'm not the Santana they know or love, I'm a stranger. As for Quinn, she just stood back for a while as she waited for the four to finish welcoming me home. When they were through, She hugged me as well. I think she may have cried the hardest.

Day Seventy-Three:

I emerged from the apartment this morning, in just a bathrobe and slippers. The sun was shining harshly in my eyes, and I frowned in distaste. All I wanted was to was Walk and Clear my head. But it didn't go to Plan.

At the sight of me, about Two or Three People rushed over to me and Shouted questions into my Face. Questions about you. I Aggressively Pushed them away and walked to The Park, Though where ever I walked, People Stared. They think I did it. They think I was the Reason you did it. I Couldn't handle the stares and quickly walked home, Bursting into tears and falling into Kurt's arms as I did so. He Softly Whispered Words that I will Never forget into my ear.

"We all loved her You Know. You Two were in love with each other though and that was Obvious. She Loved you so So Much Santana. Don't you ever forget that." Kurt Squeezed me Tightly before Popping in a Movie and Leading me over to the Couch. That's where I am now. On the Couch. Kurt's asleep and the Movie Credits just Roll on the Screen.

I realized a lot today.

But one huge thing in particular that I feel the need to share with you is that I realized I can't live without you.

Day Seventy-Four:

I tried to fight the urge, but it had been calling me for quite a while. I punched another mirror today, with my good hand of course. The sight of the crimson liquid seeping through the newly created cracks in my skin fascinated me, and I let myself sit there and bleed myself dry until I felt nothing but numb.

There was no pain, only a lingering calmness sweeping through me until I let myself drift off into unconsciousness.

Day Seventy-Five:

I just realized that it's been over two months without you, and that only makes this more real. I'm nothing but an empty shell now. I live with no purpose and I have nothing left to give to this world.

The pain is never-ending.

Day Seventy-Six:

I pulled out your note again today. It was tucked away to the back of my bedside drawer, in my own attempt to hide it away from myself. But I just had to see your handwriting, and read the words printed on the page that I know by heart, words which I could recite in my sleep.

I feel guilty now more than ever, as the pang of guilt is beginning to seep through my soul once more. It's never left, but re-reading your note has hurt me in ways I had never imagined were possible until now.

Day Seventy-Seven:

I ran into Joanne today. I don't know what she was doing in New York and I didn't ask, but when she saw me she instantly fell into my arms, sobbing her poor little heart out into my chest.

"It hurts more each time I see it." She whispered into my ear, and pulled away before I could reply. I stood dumbfounded on the street in a sea of people, staring with my mouth agape at the disappearing figure of your mother.

I just assumed she was talking about your grave.

Day Seventy-Eight:

I didn't visit your grave yesterday because I was just too scared. I just now realized that I hadn't visited you once since the funeral, and the guilt is eating away at me now more than ever.

I feel terrible. I feel completely, utterly terrible. I've been so selfish. I've always been so selfish. I've always thought about myself instead of you.

So now here I am, sitting before your grave with tears running down my face. The flowers are fresh, and there are dozens of them Britt. People love you. I brought a single rose; I sure hope it's enough. I didn't want to crowd the place, but seeing all of these different flowers makes mine look pathetic.

I gave it to you anyways. I set it right in front. I plan on staying here a while, so I have a couple blankets with me and a bottle of wine. Red. That's always been your favorite. Right Brittany?

Day Seventy-Eight:

I woke up still sitting before your grave today, only to realize that I had gotten myself drunk last night, and passed out in the grass.

You must be ashamed of me.

Day Seventy-Nine:

I think it's going to be a daily routine, visiting your grave. I promise to bring a rose every day, just so I can at least compare somewhat to all of these beautiful flowers surrounding you. There are daisies and lilies, you always loved lilies.

I sat and sang to you today; I hope you heard it wherever you are. I know how much you love that song. It brings the memories flooding back to me, and I remember that day at the Nationals when you sang your heart out just to impress them all. I'll never forget your voice in that song, or your voice in any song for that matter.

But I sang it for another reason, Britt.

I'm torn. I really am. I don't know what to do… and I just want you to send me something, anything at all. I need a sign telling me if I'm making the right decision or not.

Day Eighty & Eight-One:

I'm sorry I didn't visit you yesterday. Kurt, Quinn and Rachel seemed to have different plans, and dragged me along to the beach.

It's not warm enough out yet, but they seemed to think that it'd be a good time regardless of what the weather was like. Truth be told, I hated it. While they ran across the sand kicking a football around, I sat up in the grass, watching the waves roll over the coast and thrash against the rocks.

It was so peaceful and tranquil. I had almost lost myself in the scene when I heard a voice. Your voice to be exact. I could feel your presence beside me, as you slung your arm around my shoulder. When I looked over, you were smiling widely towards me, grinning the grin that had always caused my heart to stutter.

"I love the beach Sanny, isn't it beautiful?"

By then I was so overwhelmed I wasn't able to answer, and the tears overcame my ability to speak or even move quickly. They immediately noticed and rushed to my side, carrying me away as I yelled your name, begging you to come back.

Today I am confined to spending the whole day with Quinn, who had gently offered to take me under her wing for the night. I declined, but after a lot of insisting and pleading, stating that it was of my best interest, I gave in angrily.

We did nothing really, just sat and talked about everything. He wouldn't even let me talk about you though, and it hurt me. I'm still so sorry I couldn't come.

Day Eighty-Two:

I swore I heard you singing today. In the middle of my showering, I could hear the faint hum of your voice singing along with the song blaring through the speakers. The voice was so beautiful and alluring, I found myself instantly becoming entranced within it. I knew it was your voice the second I heard it.

You sound so beautiful Brittany. You truly sound like an angel now.

I visited your grave finally again today, with three roses this time, for the two days that I missed. When I sang, I could hear the echoing chorus of your own voice melodizing with my own.

Day Eighty-Three:

The Others all think That im Getting better. They think I'm moving on. But the truth is that they don't know how I've been hearing your voice sing me to sleep every night.

Day Eighty-Four:

I saw you in my dreams last night. You were on stage, which isn't surprising because you had always told me that's where you loved to be the most. You looked at me and smiled, beckoning me to come closer.

When you took hold on my hands, it felt as if you were real… and I never wanted to let go. I never wanted the moment to end. Your mouth leaned down to brush against the shell of my ear, and I immediately felt the shivers running down my spine.

"Come with me." You whispered, and pulled back only a short amount of time before crashing your lips against mine.

It was the most perfect kiss I had ever had. Yet it wasn't real.

So when I woke up only to find you not there beside me, I began to cry.

Day Eighty-Five:

Today was an Uneventful Day. I Just Sat with Kurt and Rachel and Watched Movies all day. It Distracts me. At least just for a little while. Then the memories all come flooding back and Tears Slowly Fall down my Face, Ending with Rachel and Kurt Tucking me in bed at around Ten.

Day Eighty-Six - Eighty-Eight:

I slept for these three days. There's not much I can say about them. All I can say is that it felt good to see you, and that's why I found it so hard to wake up. That's why I continued to sleep.

I just wanted to see you and hear you.

Day Eighty-Nine:

Puck called me today, asking if I wanted to grab something to eat. My stomach gurgled in response, so I agreed. I guess it was just an excuse to stop torturing myself with the dreams that I had been having…

We passed the graveyard on the way to the restaurant, and I asked the driver to pull over quickly. Puck gave me a strange look, before following my rushing body through the door and towards your grave. I had never visited your grave with anyone else, so I wasn't quite able to do the usual routine.

I'm sorry.

But I did manage to sing to you, along with Puck. Our voices echoed throughout the graveyard, bouncing from tombstone to tombstone, sending our voices flying through the area. I hope you liked our song. But I do miss singing to you with just me around, so I think I'll stick to visiting you alone.

By the way, the food at the restaurant was good, and I'm finally regaining my appetite. Not that it matters.

Day Ninety:

Today I visited my mother, right after I visited you of course. I spent the entire day lounging around the house, playing with the boys and catching up with mum and David.

It felt nice to be with the family again, and it hurt that I had to leave them soon.

When I pecked mum on the cheek, baring my farewell to her, she held me close to her. She didn't want me to leave, and she made that clear when she began begging me to stay for the night, which I agreed to.

I guess I might as well have the decency to spend more time with my family before I leave.

Day Ninety-One:

I spent today at the park, sitting on the benches reading my journal while the boys played on the playground.

I've written a lot Brittany, but it's not enough. It's never going to be enough.

After taking the boys out for ice cream, and spending a couple hours with mum outside by the fire we had started, I said my final goodbyes.

I held them so tightly in my arms, I swear they couldn't breathe. I hugged them with all of the strength I had, letting them know how much I loved them. I kissed my mother on the cheek, telling her how much I loved her as well as the girls. I even hugged David as well. When he told me to come around again soon, I could feel the tears begin to start, and hastily made my way towards the car.

It was the last time I would ever be seeing them.

Day Ninety Two-Ninety-Three:  
For The Past Few Days I've done Nothing. Yesterday Sam asked me To Go for Ice Cream but I declined. It would get in the way of visiting you.

I visited your grave once again, setting two roses at the foot of your headstone.

Day Ninety-Four:

Kurt, Quinn and Rachel have insisted we try sight-seeing today. It's crazy to think, that all this time I've lived in New York, I've never seen half of the sights located within the city.

So today was spent with them again, hopping from tourist attraction to tourist attraction, taking various pictures with each other in front of the landmarks.

I didn't mind it this time really, because the last of my days were meant to be well spent.

Day Ninety-Five:

Where'd you go? You weren't in my dreams last night, and you didn't sing with me when I sang to your grave.

I'm starting to feel lonely again.

Day Ninety-Six:

I stopped by the store on the way home, making sure that none of the Others followed me in. I grabbed a large bottle of pills and bought them, without as much as a second glance from the cashier.

I'm going the same way as you did Brittany, I owe you that much.

Day Ninety-Seven-Ninety Eight

The urge to take the pills is there, but I'm not through living the last of my days yet. Yesterday I called everyone I know, and told them how much I loved them. Most questioned it, but I assured them that it was just because I was feeling lovey. Of course, they believed me.

Finn,Puck,Quinn and Mercedes came over. Today We sat around my laptop and watched Glee Club Videos, along with taped performances of all of us. We laughed and we cried. I looked around at the four of them, and began to convince them how much I loved them.

I don't want to lose them, I really don't. And I know, I know how hard it will be on them when I go. On all of them. But I'm ready. I can't stand to live anymore without you here.

Day Ninety-Nine:

I visited your grave one last time. I left a couple more roses in apologies for my absence the last couple days, but that shouldn't matter within a couple of hours. I sang one last song to you, your all time favorite song, and I could finally hear you singing along with me. Your voice sounded closer now, and I knew that it was time.

I'm going to take the entire bottle of pills, and lock myself in your bedroom. I'm going to wear all of your clothes, so I can inhale the dissipating smell of you as I take my final breaths.

Ninety-nine days without you has felt like an eternity, and it's impossible to stay here any longer.

I have your journal and note in my trembling hands right now, and I'm nervous as fuck Brittany, I hope you know that. I'm leaving these here with you, so they can be found easily once I'm gone. They were yours to begin with.

My heart is poured out into this journal, and my heart is yours.

I'll be seeing you soon, I love you.

-San xx

Some say that love is the most powerful emotion a person can feel. It overtakes every fiber in your being, weaving its way through your soul and killing you from the inside out. It deteriorates your common sense, causing you to do stupid things all in the name of love.

That's what they theorized.

When they found Santana's cold, unmoving body covered in Brittany's duvet, wearing Brittany's old clothes, it was the only explanation at the time.

It had all been in the name of love.

When the paramedics arrived, it was too late, and she was gone. Rachel,Quinn,Kurt,Finn,Puck,Sam and Everyone had lost yet another friend. They stood there crying into one another over the loss of one of their best friend's.

Santana stared down at them, a sad smile stretched across her lips as she witnessed her body being pulled off from the bed, and out away from the flat. She watched as they all dropped to the floor, crying their hearts out. She couldn't help but want to reach out and comfort them, but knew it wasn't possible.

They began to blame themselves, saying that they hadn't been there for her enough, which only led Santana to stare at them in frustration.

She was happy now, and She wanted them to be happy for her

Santana felt a hand pull at her shoulder, and turned around to face a pair of Blue eyes-blinking, moving, everything. She smiled at the girl before her, who stood smiling widely back. Tears were brimming the two girls eyes as they turned back to face their best friends, Girlfriends, whom they had hurt so badly in their fight for love.

"You ready?" Brittany asked, turning Santana's attention back on her. Santana only nodded, and Brittany took ahold of her hand, leading her far away and into her new life.

"I love you." Santana whispered, leaning over to peck Brittany gently on the lips.

"I love you too."

So the two walked off into the light, holding hands and singing softly along with the angels calling their names, and singing their perfect lullaby. Santana looked over to view Brittany, the girl whom she had loved for so long and had caused so much pain in their previous life.

Now they had a new life, one they could spend together forever, singing with the angels.

**Hm. Towards the End I started Changing less of the words, But some of it I had to Rewrite. Tell me what you think,Don't forgot to R&R! :) If i Forgot to Change the Names/Words from Him/His/He to Her/Hers then Tell me in a Review. :)**


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